In 1975, "Love will keep us together" was not only the #2 song on the Billboard 200 chart, it was also sung by a couple who later divorced.
You might wonder why the song ever reached such recognition, that is, if you don't take into account that the title is the stubborn belief of most who marry.
But it doesn't take too long for the battle cry of devoted love to become challenged and for the reality of the battle to start. Sooner or later, everyone who marries comes to realize that, not only did they not marry the perfect God of all creation, they tied themselves to a selfish, sinful human being.
Sadly, too many Christian spouses live in what feels like an out of control train with warning signs along the tracks that they largely ignore…until untangling the carnage or separating the mangled bodies is the only thing left to do.
Good Christians should have good marriages, right?
The Bible makes it clear that people are messy and defective—we come born with sinful hearts. Do you remember that couple who walked in the perfect garden with God? In their first real choice, Adam and Eve found themselves challenged to decide who they would worship, their desires for self-fulfillment or their Creator.
The question of who people will worship did not end when Jesus fulfilled the promise of God and proved to be the Savior to the world through His death and resurrection—nor did it completely end with you when you became a Christian.
Yes, you are adopted through the blood of Christ as a son or daughter of the Living God through faith, but your position with God is quite a bit different than your condition before God, and your spouse can attest to that fact. The Apostle Paul puts our struggle into words: “For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing” (Romans 7:19).
We can often start in marriage sounding something like this, "We're Christians, and we're not supposed to argue and fight” or “We have to try harder to stop this. Lord, help me, forgive me." After years of failure, you avoid each other…or you stop arguing because you have stopped talking. After all, not arguing is better than trying again. Ultimately there comes a time when both people are convinced, "it’s your fault!” That can be stated aloud or held in the withdrawn bitterness and resentment that you feel inside.
People who experience this are not the worst of people. They are simply people who are convinced they can or should be able to do life on their own. Sadly, the very people who are part of our fellowship committed to helping us grow and live out our faith are the same people we believe we must silently hide our struggles from so that we can prove we are good Christians with good marriages.
What will people think?
If you seek help, the reality is that you run some risk of being judged by those who may somehow find out. You might fear and imagine the possible rumors and whispers, “I wonder what their problem is?” or “They must be weak Christians.”
Don’t let those people be the reason you don’t address the warning signs and settle for a disconnected marriage.
Here is the truth of the gospel: we are weak! We need someone outside ourselves to rescue us! In the simplest expression, that person is Jesus Christ. But throughout Scripture, we are repeatedly warned against prideful isolation that lacks the wisdom of the godly counsel of others.
When we begin to realize that an intense measure of our trust and love for God is reflected in the way we (biblically) love our spouse, family, and others, then it becomes clear that we need help from others to grow in that love.
Though my profession of faith was based on biblical and genuine saving faith in Jesus Christ, I realized I needed the wisdom of others to help expose my blindness to both my selfishness and to the lies about God that I lived with.
The Bible tells us that “pride goes before destruction” (Proverbs 16:18). Will you allow yourself and your family to live in less than what is possible because of those who might judge you for needing and asking for help?
Find godly counsel from those who spend time with God, who also seek counsel from others, and who know the richness of the One who continues to rescue them from selfishness and sin.
The God of the Bible is a God who gives us what we need to deal with our selfish heart, along with the refuge and strength for the darkness that comes at us in our circumstances and from others. The reality of God’s transforming work is most often found through helping relationships with other believers. I have seen God restore and transform marriages through biblical counsel; I know that He can and does.
Let the faithfulness of Christ descend upon your request for help from others, even when those around you may pridefully decide to struggle alone.